It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
