Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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