Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
