yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
