she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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