I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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