I puked a lego.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
