this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
