"it" just moved
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
