That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
