Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
