last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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