i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
