Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
