He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
