How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
me + whiskey = a bad person
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
