she takes plan B like it's going out of style
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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