he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
