Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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