i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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