I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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