The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
