My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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