I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
