the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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