Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I want to be your penis for a week.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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