Define "chronic" masturbator.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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