we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
