I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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