I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
