Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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