this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
