All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
