i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
