I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
