Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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