You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize