She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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