Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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