i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
