I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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