is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
