be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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