she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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