After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
