2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
