I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Randomize
