The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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