Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We had to coat check the pizza.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
