Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I wish there were birth control emojis
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
