so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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