Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Randomize
