I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
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